Most viewed jokes

The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

- I need to take that walkman off your head - says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

- You can't! I'll die! - retorts the blonde.

- I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears! - says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

- I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating:

- breath in, breath out, breath in.

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....

Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says:

- Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?

Watson yawns and tries to play the game:

- Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny.

- No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said:

- What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?

The man said:

- Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

- Where the hell am I?

A doctor replied:

- Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over.

- Well, what the hell happened to me?

- We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?

The man said:

- Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep.

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said:

- Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?

- Well - the little girl said.

- I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him:

- Good evenin', Kelly - said the muffled figure.

- Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

- Saints! - cried Kelly.

- Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?

- It could've been both, considerin' the feel of it - said Grogan.

- But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.

- He did indade - said Kelly.

- But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?

- Only Mrs. Murphy's ass - said Grogan.

- It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

A brain walks into a bar and says:

- I'll have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says:

- Sorry, I can't serve you.

- Why not? - askes the brain.

- You're already out of your head.

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says:

- What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies:

- You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"