Most viewed jokes

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. - If you get in the car - the driver says.

- I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy. The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again:

- How about $20 and two pieces of candy?

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. - OK - he says.

- this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat. The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. - Look - he says to the driver.

- You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice?
→ Because he was a dirty double crosser!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldozer!

What has two legs and flies?
→ A pig!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?
→ A cow that can milk itself!

Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?
→ Because he kept running out of the pen!

What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
→ Cold cream!

What game do cows play at parties?
→ Moosical chairs!

Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?
→ Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make!

Why was the lamb told off for being rude?
→ He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

- "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

- "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

- "A room temperature IQ."

- "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

- "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

- "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

- "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

- "Bright as Alaska in December."

- "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

- "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

- "Fell out of the family tree."

- "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

- "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

- "He's so dense, light bends around him."

- "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

- "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

- "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

- "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

- "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

- "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

- "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

- "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

- What club should I use now? - he asked the pro.

- I don't know - the pro replied.

- What game are you playing?

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.

The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.

He replied:

- No thanks, I'm not into recycling.

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

- So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?

- Well, - said the doctor.

- my wife is right, a beard would suit me.

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
→ Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
→ To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the pig go to the casino?
→ To play the slop machine!

What is a pigs favorite ballet?
→ Swine Lake!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
→ Pooched eggs!

How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
→ Eat him on Saturday!

Why did the foal cough?
→ Because he was a little horse!

What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?
→ Cock-a-doodle-don't!

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
→ Leave it inside the cow!

Where do milkshakes come from?
→ Excited cows!

In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.