Most viewed jokes

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read 'DisneyLand Left.' So they went home.

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
→ He felt funny!

What's striped and bouncy?
→ A tiger on a pogo stick!

What is the cat's favorite TV show?
→ The evening mews!

How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
→ Smack a lion!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
→ Hailing taxi cabs!

How is cat food sold?
→ Usually purr can!

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
→ A tiger moth!

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
→ 'Let us prey.'

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

New scientific theories2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawnto equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure changeoutside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, sothey must yawn to even it all out.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
→ He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
→ Who cares?

Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet?
→ He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines!

Why do elephants eat raw food?
→ Because they don't know how to cook!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ For light refreshment!

How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert?
→ You get very lumpy ice cream!

What kind of elephants live in Antartica?
→ Cold ones!

How do you fit five elephants into a car?
→ Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment!

How does an elephant get out of a small car?
→ The same way that he got in!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly carrying suitcases!

Patterson, New Jersey:
When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.