Most viewed jokes

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?
→ Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper!

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the instructor said:

- Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!

- You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

- A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

- All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN...cable modem... T1... T3.

- And even your night dreams are in HTML.

- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."

- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

- All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- Your dog's homepage is actually good.

- You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

- Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

- You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

- Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

- You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

- The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt:

- It's just what I asked for,

But it's not what I want!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

- Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars? - asked John.

- Yes, I will. - Paula replied.

- Would you do it for one thousand? - he asked.

- Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you. - she answered with a wink.

- How about a blowjob for $20? - responded John.

- Hey! What kind of women do you think I am? - Paula snapped, indignantly.

- That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?
→ It opens on impact.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up.

- Not correct, Miss! - he says.

- Please explain, Johnny - replies the teacher.

- Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!