Most viewed jokes

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

- Yes, Johnny, what is it? - she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class:

- at our house, we have everything.

- Don't be silly - the teacher replied.

- not even the richest man has everything.

- We do - he answered.

- My daddy said so the other day.

- Now, why would your father say such a thing? - she asked.

- Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...:

- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
→ A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

Little Willie asked his mother:

- Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?

- Of course they do! - protested his mother.

- What makes you ask?

- There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards.

- Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave.

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.

After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government. Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily Gazette

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

- Are you Mr. Johnson? - they asked.

He admitted that he was.

- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?

Again, the man admitted that he was.

- And what did you do then - the troopers asked.

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

- Where is your car now? - the troopers enquired.

The man answered that it was in the garage.

- May we see the car? - asked the troopers.

The man answered:

- Sure, and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:

- I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately replies:

- No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.