Most viewed jokes

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
→ When the power goes off.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted:

- I am Napoleon!

Another one said:

- How do you know?

The first inmate said:

- God told me!

Just then, a voice from another room shouted:

- I did not!

A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, "Yes it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached."

Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?
→ Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

Who is the worm's Prime Minister?
→ Maggot Thatcher!

What do parrots eat?
→ Polyfilla!

What do you give a sick bird?
→ Tweetment!

What bird tastes just like butter?
→ A stork!

What's another name for a clever duck?
→ A wise quacker!

Which bird is always out of breath?
→ A puffin!

What's got six legs and can fly long distances?
→ Three swallows!

What is a duck's favorite TV show?
→ The feather forecast!

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
→ A bird that will talk you ear off!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

- Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

- Nurse: No change yet.

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said:

- You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says:

- I have some bad news. You have HAGS.

- What is HAGS - the man asks.

- It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis - says the doctor.

- Oh my God - says the man.

- What are you going to do?

- We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

- Is that going to help me - says the man.

- No - says the doctor.

- But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door