Most viewed jokes

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:

- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:

- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

- Let me tell you a story - replied the rabbi.

A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:

- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:

- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested:

- What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?

- No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?
→ Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking, and then next thing you know your house is gone!

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

- Man: What's the charge?

- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

- Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

- No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

- Officer, who provided this description?

- The officer who responded to the scene.

- A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

- Yes sir, with my life.

- With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

- Yes sir, we do.

- And do you have a locker in that room?

- Yes sir, I do.

- And do you have a lock on your locker?

- Yes sir.

- Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

- You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

- Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

- New Recruit: Call for backup!

What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
→ 20 class rings fell out.

What's the Arkansas state motto?
→ If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

- I don't want to know! - the child said, bursting into tears.

- Promise me you won't tell me.

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

- Oh dad - the boy sobbed

- when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for.