Most viewed jokes

Newsflash

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'."

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.

Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directlyproportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one'sexposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirdsare caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering:

- Asshole attorneys. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying:

- I want you to know I highly resent that remark.

- Why, are you an attorney?

- No, I'm an asshole.

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

What is the most faithful insect?
→ A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!

What insect runs away from everything?
→ A flee!

What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
→ One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!

What to you call a Russian flea?
→ A Moscow-ito!

Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?" said one
→ Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"

What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
→ A space invader!

What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
→ Bugs Bunny!

How do you start an insect race?
→ One, two, flea - go!

How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
→ Start from scratch!

What is a flea's favorite book?
→ The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!

Why don't chickens like people?
→ They beat eggs!

Why did the rooster run away?
→ He was chicken!

What do chickens grow on?
→ Eggplants!

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
→ He heard the referee calling fowls

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
→ Because talk is cheep!

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
→ A bird that lays down!

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
→ She lays hand gren-eggs!

Why did the chicken cross the "net"?
→ It wanted to get to the other site!

What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
→ An alarm cluck!

Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
→ He wanted to lay it on the line!

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

- Does your dog bite?

- No.

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.

- That's not my dog.

Australia.

Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one evening and said to the bartender:

- Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there.

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order:

- Give everyone a drink except that gay guy over there.

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender asks why, and the gay guy says:

- I am going to put one in each cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!