When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said:
- I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal.
- Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?
- I'll explain it, - he continued, - as soon as you've undressed.
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog is thrilled:
- This is great! Will I meet her at a party?
- No - says his Advisor.
- in her biology class.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
→ It's been nice gnawing you!
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
→ Time to fix the fence!
What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
→ An elephant with an umbrella!
What's grey with red spots?
→ An elephant with the measles!
Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
→ So that he can sneak up on mice!
What's big and grey and wears a mask?
→ The elephantom of the opera!
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
→ A jet propelled elephant!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
→ Because the chicken was having a day off!
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
→ Lost!
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
→ Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!
- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he cried.
- I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
- Well - she said.
- when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!
One day Pete was complaining to his friend:
- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.
His friend said:
- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov:
- Where are we?
Rachmaninov said:
- Carnegie Hall, sir!
Reasons computers must be male
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
- You head south to go to your cottage.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
- You find -40C a little chilly.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
- You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
