Most viewed jokes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.

- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

- That's the same with us - the American said.

- only we see stars, too.

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. The senior officer is Always Right.
9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
10. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
11. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
12. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
13. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
14. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
15. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
16. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
17. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed:

- Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg.

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

The resident replied:

- As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward:

- What's wrong? What's the emergency?

- Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured.

- Well, how bad is it? Can I see?

- Follow me, sir.

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset:

- Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!

The nurse interrupts:

- No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please.

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries:

- Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?

- No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me.

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

- Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?

- Not your child, sir. Follow me.

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.

- This is your child, Mister Smith.

Smitty goes nuts:

- Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!? But... It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies...

- Sir, it's deaf.

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks:

- Bill, where did he go when he left here?

Bill looked up and said:

- To your house.

There are three truths in life:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
6. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
7. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
8. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
9. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
6. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
7. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
8. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
9. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."