Most viewed jokes

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely:

- Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely:

- May I have some breast?

- Mr. Churchill - replied the hostess - in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.

Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read:

- I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.

- If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners - he remarked - she doesn't deserve to have any.

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life:

- If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general.

(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained:

- Only one man ever understood me.

He fell silent for a while and then added:

- And he didn't understand me.

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said:

- That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen.

His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.

- Run, little boy - cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car.

- Run for your life!

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying:

- Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.

- No, no, my dear - said the president sleepily - in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed:

- Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000.

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said:

- Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.

The parrot opens up with, "I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me." Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.

The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is "I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?"

- And how's yer wife, Pat?

- Sure, she do be awful sick.

- Is ut dangerous she is?

- No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager:

- I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.

The banker said:

- Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
→ When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

What is the smartest blonde?
→ A golden retriever

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said:

- I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of the principal.

- Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?

- I'll explain it, - he continued, - as soon as you've undressed.

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

- No - says his Advisor.

- in her biology class.