Most viewed jokes

What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
→ Desert.

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't?
→ A belly-button!

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
→ A stripey sweater!

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
→ She's got that down in the mouth look!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
→ A peeping tom!

Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
→ Because he has sandy claws!

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
→ 'Pleased to eat you.'!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
→ Frostbite!

What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
→ Chocolate mousse!

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

- Mister - the patrolman said to the driver - I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

- How awful ! - exclaimed the wife.

- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity - added the husband.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

- But doc - protested the patient.

- if I do that, I'll get pneumonia.

- I know - said his physician.

- I can cure pneumonia.

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard.

- Here - she said.

- This came in the mail today.

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.

- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

- That's the same with us - the American said.

- only we see stars, too.