Most viewed jokes

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!

What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!

What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!

Why does a rooster watch TV?
→ For hentertainment!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
→ A bird that has to wring its own neck!

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

- Oh, that darned old fool - she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

- Well, I'll be damned, - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

- The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

- The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

- The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

- The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

- If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

- After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

- After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

- In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

- No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

- Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

- While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.

- Call everyone Madge.

- Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

- Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

- Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

- Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

- Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

- Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

- Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

- Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

How to be politically correct with women

- She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

- She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

- She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

- She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

- She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

- She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

- She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

- She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

- She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

- She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

- She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

- She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed:

- Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

- Don't worry - the general said. Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water.