Most viewed jokes

- I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased!

- But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics 1.

You can't win. 2.

You can't break even. 3.

You can't quit the game.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said:

- I see you were a golfer, is that correct?

- Yes, I am - he replied.

St Peter then said:

- Do you hit the ball a long way?

The golfer replied:

- You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said:

- I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says:

- it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly. The uncle says with a confused look:

- Um son we don't have a cow...

We have a bull!

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long, then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her:

- I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.

She looked at him and said:

- You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith.

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks:

- Who's in your upstairs room?

The elderly man replies:

- I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.

The passerby hands him the used condom and says:

- Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!

The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper.

- Get this... - he chuckled:

- That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one.

- Hmmmmmmmmm - said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression:

- must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor.