Most viewed jokes

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
→ A duck filled fatty puss!

What kind of cat should you take into the desert?
→ A first aid kitty!

Why do cats chase birds?
→ For a lark!

What do cats read in the morning?
→ Mewspapers!

What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
→ An acrocat!

What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
→ Puss in boots!

Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house?
→ Because she heard fowl language!

There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left?
→ None. They were all copy cats!

Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

- Blonde: Excuse me, what time is it right now?

- Woman: It's 11:25PM.

- Blonde: (confused look on face) You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

- First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater.""

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.

It's called Genitalia.

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out:

- Are you OK?... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

- Cover me, I'm coming back!

When he jumps back in, his mate says:

- Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour.

- Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!

- It was great!

- You lucky bastard - said the other.

- Did you get a blow job?

- Nah - said the other, disappointedly.

- She didn't have a head.

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious):

- So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?

- I study the Torah - he replies.

- But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?

- No problem - says Sol - I study Torah and it says God will provide.

- But you will have children, how will you educate them? - asks Mr. Schwartz.

- No problem - says Sol - I study Torah and it says God will provide.

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like:

- Well - says Mr. Shwartz - he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God.

Your mother does not remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

- I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased!

- But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

- Bad day at the course? - his wife asked.

- Everything was going fine - he said.

- Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.

- Oh, that's awful!

- You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.