Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says "My wife is much better." "Allright" goes the other guy, "Let me go try the same woman."
Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, "You are right man, Your wife is much better."
Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness?
→ He refused because he hadn't seen the accident.
The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times:
- I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny.
After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark:
- God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can all get some sleep ???
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
When should you stop for a glow worm?
→ When he has a red light!
An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said:
- You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.
The woman said:
- Why don't we try that again?
So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said:
- Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.
The man replied:
- Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!
One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty.
After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk.
Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now.
He said:
- Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering.
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says:
- I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband:
- Hey, where's your ball?
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back:
- DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
- Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?
- Farmer: That's right.
- Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?
- Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued and were still arguing when the train hit them.
