Most viewed jokes

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed:

- Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

- Don't worry - the general said. Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer:

- This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!

The farmer looked puzzled and replied:

- What's time to a pig?

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked:

- Elton, what's that?

- That's a ferry-boat, George my love - answered Elton.

- Oooh! - Squealed George:

- I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!

Man in a pub:

- If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? - Other man, - Bloody hell, no!

First man:

- Want to come camping?

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

Theorem: log(-1) = 0

Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)
On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0
Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:

- What are you going to do with the money?

- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.

- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

- Don't know of collateral.

- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?

- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.

The banker shook his head:

- How about livestock?

- Yes, I have a horse.

- How old is it?

- I don't know; it has no teeth.

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills:

- Here's the money to pay loan - he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

- What are you going to do with the rest of that money?

- Put it in my pocket.

- Why don't you deposit it in my bank? - he asked.

- I don't know of deposit.

- Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked:

- What you got for collateral?

"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!