The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said:
- Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:
- Hey! Cut it out, alright!
The rear tiger says:
- sorry, and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:
- I said stop it! The rear tiger says:
- sorry, and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:
- What is it with you, anyway?
The rear tiger replies:
- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!
Why did clinton follow the chicken across the road?
→ because, he couldn't get his dick out of its ass.
How are men like UFOs?
→ You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk...
What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm?
→ Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at 40 mph.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over:
- So... out looking for a little, huh ?
She smiled sweetly and said:
- No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!
How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their period?
→ Their son's dicks taste funny!
