Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him:
- Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Private Duncan replied:
- Sure.
The Corporal turned red. He said:
- That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?
Private Duncan replied:
- No, SIR!
What does a man and a floor have in common?
→ You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!
What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
- South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
- There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
- Lime is a green-tasting rock.
- Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
- Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
- In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
- Clouds are high flying fogs.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
- Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
- We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
- Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
- A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
- A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
- The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:
- Your check came back.
The old man replied:
- So did my arthritis!
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
→ Bach in the saddle again.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
→ Because he's Haydn!
What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
→ A Chopin Liszt.
What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
→ A pair of Re-bachs.
What do you call a male quartet?
→ Three men and a tenor.
Why are gold fish orange?
→ The water makes them rusty!
Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
→ Squidnappers!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
→ It's scales!
What fish do road-menders use?
→ Pneumatic krill!
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
→ They go sharkers!
What game do fish like playing the most?
→ Name that tuna!
What do naked fish play with?
→ Bare-a-cudas!
What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
→ An electric shark!
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
→ Jack the kipper!
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
→ Whale of fortune!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
→ Chump chops!
How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
→ Just one, the moulting season!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
→ Because they mess up the whole house!
How do you stop a dog smelling?
→ Put a peg on it's nose!
What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
→ Any times he wants to!
When is a black dog not a black dog?
→ When it's a greyhound!
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
→ Melon-collie!
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
→ Hush puppies!
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
→ Slush puppies!
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
