Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.
- That damned Pete! - the drunk chortled - He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!
- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking.
- What are you looking at - she said.
- I'm looking at the moon - he said.
- Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it - she said.
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez:
- Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?
- Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees. - he bragged and took another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed!
- What happened then? - they asked, almost in unison.
- Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' - he admitted.
The First Parent by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
- Don't.
- Don't what? - Adam replied.
- Don't eat the forbidden fruit.
- Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?
- It's over there - said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.
- Uh huh - Adam replied.
- Then why did you?
- I dunno - Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Los Angeles Times, November 24:
Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
But Beverly Hills does.
According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list, Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
- American: In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police.
- Russian: In Russia we don't require that you dial anything.
