Most viewed jokes

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening.

When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked:

- So Bob, do you like my feminine side?

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend:

- What's happened to your car?

- Well - the friend responses.

- I ran into a lawyer.

- OK - says the man.

- that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?

- Well, I had to chase him all through the park.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

- A penny for your thoughts - she said.

- It's amazing! - he replied.

- I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour late for an operation.

Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant?
→ No one wanted to stand up and say. . . Idaho...

Jack goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack:

- Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly:

- What is this treatment?

- Well - the doctor explains - what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says:

- Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile:

- That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied:

- Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.

Heard on a radio station.

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ He's a real fun guy [fungi].