The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work:
- I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said:
- I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
→ Because he'd rather go to the movies!
What's blue and has big ears?
→ An elephant at the North Pole!
What's grey and lights up?
→ An electric elephant!
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
→ An umbrellaphant!
What do you do with a green elephant?
→ Wait till it ripens!
What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
→ An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!
A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said:
- You know you really need help
- Yes I do - said the elephant - get this kid off my foot!
What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
→ The police made him bring it back!
Why are elephants wiser than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?!
What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?
→ Dumbo!
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
- Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00.
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
She said:
- I can't wear your pants.
- That's right - intoned the groom:
- And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family.
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
- No way. I can't get into your panties. - he said.
- That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude. - she said and smiled.
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces:
- If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says:
- If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!
More sighs and applause.
Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces:
- If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks:
- Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?
Mrs. Goldfarb answers:
- I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said, 'Fuck the rabbi.'
Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked:
- Why are you late little Johnny?
Johnny replied:
- My grandpa got burnt, Miss.
The teacher replied:
- I hope it wasn't too bad.
Then little Johnny said:
- Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!
I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, think about it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles by now?
Why do accountants make good lovers?
→ They're great with figures.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says:
- okay!
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said:
- Taxi!
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read:
- one at a time, please
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say:
- Taxi!
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said:
- Who threw that rock?
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
→ A new age song.
What happens if you sing country music backwards?
→ You get your job and your wife back.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
→ When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
