Most viewed jokes

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said:

- I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.

The first said:

- I wish I were smarter.

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said:

- I wish I were smarter than she is.

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered:

- I wish I were smarter than both of them!

So, she became a man.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am - he said - but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?

- Oh, yes - said the lady of the house.

- I'm going to take a milk bath.

- Do you want it pasteurized?

- No, just up to my tits would be fine.

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says:

- I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says:

- My dad says he will marry my mum next year.

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says:

- My old man will never ever marry my mum.

The Nun looks up from her food and says:

- Would one of you bastards please pass the salt.

There are three 3rd Grade girls, a blonde, a brunnett, and a red-head.

Which one is the tallest?
→ The blonde -- she is 18 years old!

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wenceslas

- Wenceslas who?

- Wenceslas train home?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Snow

- Snow who?

- Snow business like show business!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wayne

- Wayne who?

- Wayne in a manger...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Donut

- Donut who?

- Donut open till Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Oakham

- Oakham who?

- Oakham all ye faithfull...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avery

- Avery who?

- Avery merry Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Holly

- Holly who?

- Holly-days are here again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Rudolph

- Rudolph who?

- Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Igloo

- Igloo who?

- Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Mary

- Mary who?

- Mary Christmas!