Most viewed jokes

Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
→ The majority of them can't pass the bar!

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wenceslas

- Wenceslas who?

- Wenceslas train home?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Snow

- Snow who?

- Snow business like show business!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Wayne

- Wayne who?

- Wayne in a manger...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Donut

- Donut who?

- Donut open till Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Oakham

- Oakham who?

- Oakham all ye faithfull...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avery

- Avery who?

- Avery merry Christmas!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Holly

- Holly who?

- Holly-days are here again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Rudolph

- Rudolph who?

- Money is the Rudolph of all evil!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Igloo

- Igloo who?

- Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Mary

- Mary who?

- Mary Christmas!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

- But I paid, don't you remember? - says the customer.

- Okay - says the bartender.

- If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies:

- If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says:

- You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.

- Don't bother me with your troubles - the final patron responds.

- Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.

The doctor asked:

- Have you ever had it before?

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied:

- Well, at least I don't have cancer

And Jesus said unto his disciples:

- Whom do men say that I am?

And His disciples answered unto Him:

- Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.

And Jesus said:

- What?

What did Arafat say to Clinton?

- Sheep don't talk, my friend.