Most viewed jokes

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You're going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn't leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don't. What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? He's not a loser. A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother. Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. ENOUGH !!! Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you're worried about the loser? Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Goodbye, mother. Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
11. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
12. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
13. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
14. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
15. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
16. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
17. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
18. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
19. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

- IBM: I Blame Microsoft / Idiots Buy Me / Idiots Building Machines / I'll Buy Macintoshes / It Bit Me / It Built Microsoft / It's Better Manually / I've Been Mislead / I've Been Mugged

- WINDOWS: Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed / When I Need Data Output Without Speed / While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation / Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

- WIN: Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware

- MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT: My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology / Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

- WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

- Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

- MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

- UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

- VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

- DEC: Dump Everything and Close

- DEC: Do Expect Cuts

- HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

- HP: Hot Pursuit

- IBM: I Blame Microsoft

- MAC: Most Absurd Computer

- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

- NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

- WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

- AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

- BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

- DOS: Defective Operating System

- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

- LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

- PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

- SCSI: System Can't See It

- WWW: World Wide Wait

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

The company sergent is briefing the recruits:"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so youknow what that makes you..."

The way to a man's heart is through his feet (but you need a long knife).

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.

He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

- A priest. Somebody get me a priest! - the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

- A PRIEST, PLEASE! - the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

- Mr. Policeman - says the man.

- I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

- Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man:

- Jim Johnson!

Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.

"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said:

- Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.

- However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education.

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said:

- Where did you get your financial education?

- Oh - replied Jim -- Yale.

- That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!

- Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?

Jim answered:

- I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson.