Most viewed jokes

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says:

- You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?

- I fell overboard - says the Captain - and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off.

- Terrible - says the sailor.

- And what happened to your hand?

- We attacked a man-o'-war - says the Captain - and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber.

- Awful - says the sailor.

- And how did you lose your eye?

- Seagull droppings - says the Captain.

- Amazing - says the sailor.

- I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out.

- Can't - says the Captain.

- But it was my first day with the hook.

This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards -- something unusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day -- "Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry."

The blonde replied:

- How cool! I'll take the whole box!

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

- If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

- Now, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first? - he concluded.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

- I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?

- I should let you know first that I am a policeman.

- That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented:

- You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.

The blonde answered:

- No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.

- On your feet, Lizard Pecker - he bellowed.

- You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!

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