Most viewed jokes

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

- What a great realist that painter is! - he exclaimed.

- What painter?

- The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'.

- Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!

- That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

- I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?

- It's $50,000 - the lawyer said.

- But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?

- That's my business! Get me the course!

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said:

- please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:

- One less lawyer . . .

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After fifteen minutes speaking he says:

- I will now answer any questions you have.

Bobby stands up and says:

- I have four questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said:

- I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.

A little girl called Julie stands up and says:

- I have six questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

A man walks into a shop.

- You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?

- You're a drummer, aren't you?

- Yeah. How'd you know?

- This is a travel agency.

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
→ A frog with hiccups!

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks:

- What were the people doing on the bus?

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks:

- Yeah, but what else were they doing?

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says:

- Oh! They were drinking, huh??!

The chief continues:

- Okay, were they doing anything else?

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience:

- If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

- Don't know - the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

- This is my husband - the old woman said.

- He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either.

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.

All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said:

- I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!.

Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:

- Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!

When Tim's wife heard this she said:

- Tell him to just drop dead!

Johnny answered:

- That's exactly what he did!.