Most viewed jokes

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

- Well - says the old fellow - I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.

The policeman looks at the old man and says:

- You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

So the old man says:

- I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said:

- I've lost my dad!

The policeman said:

- What's he like?

Little Johnny replied:

- Beer and women!

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying:

- My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage.

- Did you say that? - she asks.

- Why, yes, I did! - he replies.

- And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says:

- You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?

The parrot says:

- Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street.

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says:

- Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!

The parrot says:

- Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry.

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak.

- I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!

As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says:

- I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?

How are women like elevators?
→ Only about half go down.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together:

- Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite.

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies:

- An elephant.

The wife sez:

- That's close enough!

Yo' mama is so stupid she tried to make apple juice out of grapes!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

- The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much - said the nun.

- Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade - said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed:

- I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.