Most viewed jokes

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
→ The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
→ An elephant with spare parts!

What's grey but turns red?
→ An embarrassed elephant!

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
→ Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
→ When it's a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
→ When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
→ Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window...:

- Pull over!

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

- That's the only way to command respect in the Army - his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

- Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope - Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

- I am a sergeant! - he bellowed.

- I am a dope - whispered Reggie.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

- That's no problem, son - said the sergeant.

- Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.

- But what about a bayonet, Sarge? - asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.

- Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom:

- Bangety Bang Bang!

The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes:

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - repeats the recruit, to no avail.

He gets desperate.

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says:

- Tankety Tank Tank.

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said:

- CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES.

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?

- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three:

- Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on:

- I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!

Goldblum sighed with relief.

- Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?

Bauman hung his head in shame.

- Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says:

- You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....

- Closed for the Holiday !!!

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure.

- You know honey - she said:

- I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married.

- Yeah? - the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV:

- I wish to hell I could.