Most viewed jokes

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

- Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? - demanded the Grand Emir.

- A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One - stammered the wretched Abdul.

- white man sit on well.

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.

Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
→ We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

Things Mom Would Never Say

- How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

- Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too

- Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery

- Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week

- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day

- Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

- I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve

- Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
→ The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
→ An elephant with spare parts!

What's grey but turns red?
→ An embarrassed elephant!

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
→ Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
→ When it's a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
→ When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
→ Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window...:

- Pull over!

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

- That's the only way to command respect in the Army - his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

- Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope - Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

- I am a sergeant! - he bellowed.

- I am a dope - whispered Reggie.