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A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.

A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts:

- Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?

- Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit - replies the blind man.

- Well, it's none of my business - says the onlooker - but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!

To which the blind fellow chuckles:

- Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!

Martinez, California:
Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.

Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run.

But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.

Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.

A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.

U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.

Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election.

Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county's Public Works Department.

The assessor's office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

- YOU'RE DRUNK! - exclaimed the police officer.

- Thank God for that! - said the drunk. I thought the steering had gone.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

- I'll bet you $10 he'll jump - said the first guy.

- Bet you $10 he won't - said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

- I can't take your money - said the first guy.

- I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.

- No, no. Take it - said the second guy.

- I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

Why did god invent alcohol?
→ So fat women can get laid too.

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

- Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.

- Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.

- Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.

- Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.

- Wear Golf Shoes.

- Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.

- Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.

- Play bocci with extra lane balls

- Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again

- Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.

- Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.

- Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.

- Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

- Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.

- Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.

- Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.

- Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.

- Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"

- Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments

- Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE

- Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.

- Rent all the lanes, don't bowl

- Rent all the shoes, eat them

- Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating

- When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.

- If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics

- Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone

- Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.

- SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town

- Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night

- Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling

- Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night

- Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.

- Bring a dartgun...

Be inventive.

- Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.

- Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.

- Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.

- Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

- Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?

The cousin smirked and replied:

- Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.

There once was an old man from Trent,
Whose penis was crooked and bent,
And so to save trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!