Most viewed jokes

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic. - What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied: - Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

- Thank goodness - she said. - What was the matter?

- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.

Looking shocked she asked: - Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?

Why do blondes use so much shampoo?
→ The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear:

- Do you want to move to the back seat?

She replies:

- NO!

Flabbergasted, he says:

- Why Not?

To which she replies:

- Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him:

- While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.

The violist replied:

- You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?

Where would you put an injured insect?
→ In an antbulance!

What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
→ A jet setter!

What do dogs have that no other animal has?
→ Puppy dogs!

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
→ Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
→ In the mush room!

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
→ Because frost bites!

What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
→ An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

What do you call an alcoholic dog?
→ A whino!

What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
→ Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
→ When the door is open!

Why don't dogs make good dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet!

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.
2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.
3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.
4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.
5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.
7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.
9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.
10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other:

- I don't think much of this budgie jumping.

The other moron replies:

- Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either.

After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. A friend asked him how he felt now. The former patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."