Most viewed jokes

- 17: "Burger King"

- 25: "Free meal"

- 35: "A diamond"

- 48: "A bigger diamond"

- 66: "Home Alone"

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
→ A dead epileptic.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said:

- If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out:

- If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked:

- What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The man said:

- Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

- What is the meaning of this? - the director asked.

- When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.

- Well, - the young man replied - in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said:

- Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job.

- Murphy: And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!

- Manager: We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.

- Murphy: And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?

- Manager: Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).

All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.

Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.

After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work.

- How is everything? - asked Chuck.

- We're moving - replied the man.

- This is a sick neighborhood.

- Why? What happened? - replied Chuck.

The neighbor replied:

- Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

- It was enough to make anybody faint - he said.

- My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

Balloons
Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

Add some peanuts
If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Impossible to drive away
Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

Why did the owl, owl?
→ Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot!

What flies through the jungle singing opera?
→ The parrots of Penzance!

What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
→ A firequaker!

What is a parrot's favorite game?
→ Hide and Speak!

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
→ Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
→ 'The pheasants are revolting'!

What is the definition of Robin?
→ A bird who steals!

When is the best time to buy budgies?
→ When they're going cheap!