A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
- Cop: Do you know where you were going?
- Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response:
- Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back.
She replied:
- No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:
- What do you have in there, pal?
- A mongoose.
- What for?
- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.
- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.
- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.
- So is the mongoose.
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
- Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
- Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
- Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
- Now don't let me ever see your face again - said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
- I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir - said the released man.
- And why not?
- Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said:
- That's no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered:
- Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.
The pharmacist said:
- That won't do you any good.
The elderly gentleman said:
- That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
