Most viewed jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

- No, my powers can only be used for good.

- How about never? Is never good for you?

- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication

- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

- Who me? I just wander from room to room.

- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

- Sergeant-Major! - the colonel shouted.

- Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

- Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave - the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

- Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replies.

- Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? - the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says:

- Sir. It's you he's fond of.

- What's wrong, sonny? - asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.

- I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!

So the old man sat down and wept too.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?
→ Blowing bubbles.

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said:

- Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw.

- That guy - said the bride:

- double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

- Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

- Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

- Blonde: Yes.

- Operator: The power in the house in on?

- Blonde: Of course.

- Operator: And the switch is on?

- Blonde: Yes, yes.

- Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

- Blonde: No, it's working fine.

- Operator: Then what's the problem?

- Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
→ Steal its chair.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after.

Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.