A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked ashard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three treesin a day.
His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybehis chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was workingfine.
The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked:
- What's that noise?
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states:
- That's one.
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:
- That's two!
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:
- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!
The man stares at his wife and firmly says:
- That's one!
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:
- Wanna hear a blonde joke?
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says:
- Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
- Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says:
- Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampoon is for?
→ For flossing after eating.
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady. People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
Yo mamma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
- Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant?
- Nick: I don't know.
- Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said:
- You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!
To this, the other blonde replies:
- I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
- How did you like that jump, buddy? - said a proud John to a deck hand.
- It was great - said the sailor.
- But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!
