A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
- Da-ad...
- What?
- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
- No. You had your chance. Lights out.
[Five minutes later]
- Da-aaaad...
- WHAT?
- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??
- I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!
[Five minutes later]
- Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...
- WHAT??!!
- When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
→ Turns over a new leaf!
What is the definition of a caterpillar?
→ A worm in a fur coat!
What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
→ A caterpillar tractor!
What does a cat go to sleep on?
→ A caterpillow!
What's green and dangerous?
→ A caterpillar with a machine gun!
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
→ A caterpillar!
What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
→ Clitty litter.
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
- Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?
And a great voice was heard from above:
- BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor:
- I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.
There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, "Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go," the child molester cries out, "You think your scared I have to walk home alone!"
How do you drownd a blonde???
→ You place a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
