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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers:

- What is this?

- to which accountant number one replies - it's that $50 I owe you.

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.

The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.

The woman asks: will this cure my illness?

The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor:

- You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied:

- You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says:

- I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.

The second one says:

- That big or that green?

The first one says:

- That Sour.

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said:

- Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya.

How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the olympics?
→ Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
→ Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.

The brain said:

- I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks.

The hands said:

- I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person.

The legs declared:

- I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me.

So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.

Then the Asshole spoke up:

- I think I should be boss, because..

He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him:

- You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!

The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.

The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore.

- Ok, ok, you're the boss! - they gave in.

So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.

The drinker announced to the bartender:

- It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company.

- That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?

- I'm not sure yet, - he answered.

- During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know.