Most viewed jokes

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

- I need someone with an accounting degree, - the man said.

- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

- Excuse me? - the accountant said.

- I worry about a lot of things, - the man said.

- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.

- I see, - the accountant said.

- And how much does the job pay?

- I'll start you at eighty thousand.

- Eighty thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.

- How can such a small business afford a sum like that?

- That, - the owner said, - is your first worry.

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

- "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

- "I would not allow this employee to breed."

- "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

- "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

- My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!

- Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

- Doctor: How do you feel?

- Patient: A little down in the mouth.

4 gay guys walk into a bar.

There is only 1 4 legged stool left, how do they sit???
→ They turn it upsidedown.

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from AirForce fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

- Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump - the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon.

- You've got it all wrong, Major - an Air Force sergeant replied.

- The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:

- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

The little girl replies:

- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:

- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.

- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
→ They're hiring.

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go in pairs!