Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says:
- I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!
The second says:
- Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!
Then the third rat gets up and says:
- Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat.
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
→ They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.
The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered:
- When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.
The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said:
- When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player.
The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked:
- I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?
- They're never going to let me out of here, - the patient said.
- I'm f**king nuts!
Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma:
- Fuck you!
Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa:
- Fuck you too!
Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts:
- Fuck you! swinging more forward again.
Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says:
- Fuck you again.
This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says:
- You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said:
- That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
- First soldier: Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?
- Second soldier: No way, Jose!
- First soldier: Whyever not?
- Second soldier: It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. - Doctor - she asks nervously - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?
- Certainly - replies the doctor - Where do you think lawyers come from?
It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said:
- Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth
Mickey retorted:
- I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced:
- Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued:
- One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers.
A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled:
- Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
