Most viewed jokes

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.

The Customs official says:

- Have you got anything to declare?

He thinks a second and he says:

- It's a nice-a day!

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog.

- This is a talking dog - he said.

- And you can have him for five dollars.

The neighbour said:

- Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal.

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

- Please buy me, Sir - he pleaded.

- This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.

- Hey! - said the neighbour.

- He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?

- Because - said the seller.

- I'm getting tired of all his lies.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him:

- Get out of our lives you rascal.

- We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

- Judge: What were you doing?

- 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

- Judge: And what were you doing?

- 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

- Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

- 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?" Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

- Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

- John - he said, shaking his head - I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good.

- Well - John said, taking the barstool next to him - If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this....

- I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.

- I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.

- Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall.

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John:

- Well, did you finally get to milk her?

- Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!

What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
→ One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!

What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
→ I don't know!
→ Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!

What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
→ One rarely bites and the other barely writes!

How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
→ Try picking them up!

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
→ You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
→ Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
→ About 3,000 miles!

What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
→ A gooseberry is green!

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
→ At a hockey game you see fast pucks.