Most viewed jokes

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:

- Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied:

- Of course, how much was the roast?

- $7.98.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:

- Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why do men like blonde jokes??
→ Because they can understand them.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says:

- My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.

Another guy says:

- What's that?

The first guy says:

- That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.

Another one says:

- My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks:

- What's that?

He says:

- That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.

A lady says:

- That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.

Larry says:

- A WIFE? What's a WIFE?

She says:

- That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.'

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
→ A Tent

What's the difference between true love and herpes?
→ Herpes lasts forever.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
→ Bed buglars.

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!

A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.

- Why are you doing that? - asked his neighbour.

- It's to keep the elephants off the grass - he replied.

- But we don't get elephants round here!

- I know - good stuff isn't it!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
→ Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
→ Squashed!

Who lost a herd of elephants?
→ Big bo peep!

What is an elephants favorite film?
→ Elephantasia

What do elephants say as a compliment?
→ You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
→ Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

What makes a man think he's so great?

1. He has a belly button that won't work.
2. He has tits that won't give milk.
3. He has a cock that won't crow.
4. He has balls that won't roll.
5. He has an ass that won't carry a thing.