Most viewed jokes

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
→ Bed buglars.

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!

A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.

- Why are you doing that? - asked his neighbour.

- It's to keep the elephants off the grass - he replied.

- But we don't get elephants round here!

- I know - good stuff isn't it!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
→ Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
→ Squashed!

Who lost a herd of elephants?
→ Big bo peep!

What is an elephants favorite film?
→ Elephantasia

What do elephants say as a compliment?
→ You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
→ Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

What makes a man think he's so great?

1. He has a belly button that won't work.
2. He has tits that won't give milk.
3. He has a cock that won't crow.
4. He has balls that won't roll.
5. He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?
→ A home-sick abortion.

- That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker - the housewife told a neighbor.

- You didn't do it, did you?

- I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather replies:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.

The grandfather replies:

- I know. That's from your grandma.

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said:

- If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice.

The gent said:

- OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

- Why of course - comes the reply.

The first man then asks:

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.

The first man responds:

- You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin - comes the reply.

- I can't believe it - says the first man.

- I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

- What school did you go to?

- Saint Mary's - replies the second man - I graduated in '62.

- This is unbelievable! - the first man says.

- I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

- What's been going on? - he asks the bartender.

- Nothing much - replies the bartender.

- The O'Mally twins are drunk again.

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

- Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

- Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

- Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

- Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

- Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

- Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

- Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

- Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

- Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

- Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

- Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

- Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

- Mine his bathroom.

- Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".

- Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

- Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

- Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

- Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

- Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."

- Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

- Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."

- Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

- Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

- At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

- Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

- Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

- Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.

- Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

- Mix up his Rubik's Cube.

- Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

- Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

- Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.

- Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

- Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

- Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

- Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

- Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

- Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

- They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."

- Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."

- Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

- Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

- Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".

- Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

- Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

- Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

- Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

- Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

- Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

- When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

Which villains steal soap from the bath?
→ Robber ducks.