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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other:

- Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?

- I don't know - responded the other.

- I'll ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss:

- Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?

- Intelligence - the boss said.

- What do you mean, 'intelligence'?

The boss said:

- Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said:

- That's intelligence!

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked:

- What did he say?

- He said we are down here because of intelligence.

- What's intelligence? - said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said:

- Take your shovel and hit my hand.

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said:

- I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me.

Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
9. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
10. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
11. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
12. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
13. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
14. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
15. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt! And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked:

- Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted:

- If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed:

- Bring me my brown pants!

AGE DRINK

- 17 beer

- 25 beer

- 35 vodka

- 48 double vodka

- 66 Maalox

Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040.

- 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00

- 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00

- 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!!

Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service

Why are girls like pianos?
→ When they're not upright, they're grand...

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said:

- GOD will save me.

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said:

- GOD will save me.

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said:

- GOD will save me.

It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with:

- Why didn't you save me, GOD?

And God said:

- I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.

The Customs official says:

- Have you got anything to declare?

He thinks a second and he says:

- It's a nice-a day!