A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:
- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.
The pianist replies:
- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says:
- You can't bring that dog in here!
The guy, without missing a beat, says:
- This is my seeing-eye dog.
- Oh man - the bartender says - I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says:
- You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says:
- Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!
The second man replies:
- This is my seeing-eye dog.
- No, I don't think so - the bartender says - They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.
The man pauses for a half-second and replies:
- What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:
- You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!
The old rancher replied:
- Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.
Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled "Women and children first". The American said "Screw the women and children" and the Belgian answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?"
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
- Sure you can, Mickey - Charlie said:
- Just flap your arms really really hard.
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said:
- What the hell happened?!?
Charlie said:
- I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said:
- Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week.
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied:
- With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week.
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said:
- How many pounds?
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said:
- Anything else?
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said:
- How many?
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner:
- That's a really smart dog you have there.
- He's not really all that smart - the owner replied.
- This is the second time this week he forgot his key.
Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.
Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.
Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out:
- Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!
Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!
Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!
How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!
Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!
Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!
