Most viewed jokes

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago ...

- Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine.

- Are you sure? - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied ...

- Excuse me - said the doctor.

- What does this story have to do with your leg?

- Well, this morning - the farmhand explained.

- when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

What is 1 + 2?

- Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

- Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

- Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
→ When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said:

- Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring.

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians whointroduced it to women."

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

- So did you tell her? - asks Jeff.

- Yep - replies Bob.

- Say, where did you get the six-pack? - Bob informs Jeff.

- She gave it to me.

- WHAT?? - exclaims Jeff, - you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??

- Sure, - Bob says.

- WHY? - asks Jeff.

- Well, - Bob continues, - when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

- 'Widow?' - she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

- So I said: 'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'

My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.

Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple?
→ Worm your way out of that one, then!

What does the aardvark call his dog?
→ Aard-bark!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:

- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.

The pianist replies:

- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.