A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.
"You must think I'm daft," said the officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it."
- Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?
- Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
- Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
- Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
→ There was some money in the kitty!
Yo mama so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she plays like this...
New York, Chicago, New Orleans, L.A.
- Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
- Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Why do dinosaurs wear glasses?
→ To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
→ So he could break out.
