Most viewed jokes

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.

It's done on a very high level.

There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.

And it takes two years to get any results.

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her:

- How is it that you know so much about baseball?

She says:

- Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process:

- What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?

- That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

- Was it when they cut off your balls?

- That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

- What was the most painful part?

- The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man:

- I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

- I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.

- What did it taste like?

The man answered:

- Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.

- What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine - the society matron asked the zookeeper.

- The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said:

- Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size.

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument. Finally, an Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
   b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
   a) ...to get up in the morning?
   b) ...to get out of bed?
   c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
    b) ...in more than five?
    c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
    b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
    c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
    b) ...and his donkey?
    c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
    b) ...that you don't like?
    c) ...because it's too frustrating?

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk:

- do you live here?

- Yep.

- Would you like me to help you upstairs?

- Yep.

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked:

- Is this your floor?

- Yep.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk:

- Do you live here?

- Yep.

- Would you like me to help you upstairs?

- Yep.

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried:

- Please officer, protect me from this man.

- He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.