A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:
- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.
How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
→ His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
→ He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
- Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
- Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
- Liz: I'm the examiner!
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session:
- How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?
She looked him rite in the eye and said:
- You're never home !
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
- Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse.
- Ssh! - hisses the other - It's not till next week.
No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn
What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
- Your workers, they're escaping! - cries the visitor.
- You've got to stop them.
- Don't worry, they'll be back - says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says:
- Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?
- Forget the machines - says the visitor.
- How much do you want for that whistle?
