Most viewed jokes

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
→ Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left with is a greasy box.

1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.

How do you confuse a blond?
→ You don't, they're born that way.

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
→ Swim for it...

Why don't anteaters get sick?
→ Because they are full of antibodies!

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said:

- Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.

- And what - his friend asked - do you want me to do with your ashes?

The businessman said:

- Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says:

- What'll it be buddy?

The man says:

- Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking:

- You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks:

- What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies:

- I have a dollar.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender:

- If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender:

- If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

- Sorry - the man replies - he's not for sale.

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

- No - he insists - he's not for sale.

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

- Are you insane? - the bartender demanded.

- That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!

- Don't worry about it - the man answered.

- The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said - and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued - My father died leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued the friend - nothing!